You may think it’s not “nice” to get angry. Some women won’t permit themselves to say they are angry. Instead, they often say they feel “hurt.” “Hurt” and “angry” are two labels commonly used for the same feeling. Remember, everyone gets mad at times. When people don’t acknowledge their anger, they can turn it on themselves and become depressed. It is better to admit you’re angry, discover what you’re angry about, and then cope with these feelings.
Reasons for Feeling Angry
“I felt mad at myself because I didn’t use birth control… I gave in to my boyfriend sexually…”
“I felt mad at my partner for getting me pregnant… he pressured me… I had to go through the abortion, and to him it was no big deal…”
“ I felt mad at my parents because they wouldn’t let me see my boyfriend again… they wouldn’t let me talk to anybody afterwards… they made me have the abortion.”
What To Do With Anger
Finding out why you’re angry can help you to take care of yourself. For instance, if you’re mad at yourself for not using reliable birth control, ask about how to protect yourself next time. It you’re mad at your boyfriend for getting you pregnant, ask yourself why you let him take risks with your body. What would you do differently next time?
Positive Ways Of Coping With Anger
“Talk to somebody who will listen. Get it off your chest.”
“If your mad at yourself, you need to forgive yourself.”
“I was mad at birth control that didn’t work. But any birth control can fail even if used perfectly. That’s the risk I have to take to have sex.”
“If you’re mad at your parents, you have to talk to somebody even if your parents say you can’t.”
You may want to tell the person you’re angry with. It is important to think what you will gain and what you may lose if you do so. If you decide it is too risky, then express it in a safer way. For example, tell someone else what you are angry about. Or pound your fist into a pillow or scream in a car with the windows rolled up. If you use a gym, have an extra hard workout or go for a longer run than usual. Physical activities like this can give a wonderful feeling of release.
Many women who are angry with their partners have difficulty knowing what to do. One way of coping is to write the coldest, angriest letter imaginable, telling your partner what you think of him and what you’d like him to do but do not send the letter. Not ever! Keep it to read and reread aloud.
Imagine him sitting in a corner on the floor. You are telling him everything you’d love to say. Have this fantasy whenever your anger comes back, or perform it dramatically for a trusted friend who will laugh with you. This allows you to release the anger safely. Then look at what you did and the risks you took with him. Then say, “We’re both human and capable of mistakes. We both should have taken better care, but we didn’t. He should have been responsible after the fact, but he wasn’t. I don’t have to have anything more to do with him.”
Focus your attention onto caring for yourself. People all too often hurt themselves when they are angry.
Destructive Acts To Avoid
“If you hold your anger inside and pretend it’s not there, you’ll get depressed or develop headaches or heartburn like I did.”
“I was so mad at my parents because they said things to hurt me and wouldn’t let me see my friends or boyfriend. It was like prison. I started drinking and doing stupid stuff to hurt myself to get back at them. I messed myself up bad.”
“I was mad at myself but blamed all my hurt on the fact that a legal abortion was available to me and on the abortion clinic. As long as I blamed ‘legal abortion’ or ‘the clinic’ for my abortion, I didn’t have to face my own part in it. It was easier to point the finger at them than to take responsibility for my own actions. Not facing facts kept me stuck in my anger. What a waste!”
“I called up that bastard and tried to make him feel guilty, but all he did was laugh and hang up on me. It your boyfriend doesn’t care, don’t think you can make him feel bad. You wind up hurt, not him!”
Some people can forgive the person who hurt them, and that is a good release from anger. But don’t criticise yourself if you can’t forgive. It is enough to let go of anger by expressing it safely and taking care of yourself. If you can’t let go of the anger, contact a counsellor.
